FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Why decolonize love?

Colonialism distorted our relational practices by imposing compulsory monogamy, fragmenting communities, enforcing amatonormativity, promoting the nuclear family, instilling hierarchical thinking, fostering a scarcity mindset, and encouraging transactional relationships, all of which have resulted in significant suffering.

Yet, there's little awareness that these relationship paradigms are not natural or inevitable; they are colonial constructs that can be reimagined and improved to create more fulfilling lives. Decolonization is not just about reclaiming land and economic control—it's also about decolonizing the cultural legacies left by colonization. Colonizers imposed their values on indigenous peoples to ensure self-policing and the perpetuation of colonial systems, even in the absence of direct rule. By altering culture and dismantling communities, they weakened resistance. Therefore, decolonizing our internal spheres—our relationships, values, and mindsets—is essential for achieving full decolonization and true liberation.

What has polyamory got to do with decolonizing love?

Polyamory embraces the idea of loving abundantly, directly challenging the scarcity mindset and rigid relational structures imposed by colonialism. It's a powerful entry point for discussing the hierarchical, patriarchal, possessive values - such as seeing bodies as things to be owned and dominated—that colonialism instilled in our relationships.

How was monogamy spread through colonialism?

European colonialism played a significant role in spreading and enforcing monogamy, transforming it into a global standard. Before the modern era, monogamy was not universally practiced; many societies had diverse relational structures, including fluid sexual relationships and plural marriages. However, European colonizers imposed monogamy, particularly compulsory monogamy for women, as part of their broader strategy to establish and maintain control over colonized peoples. This was driven by the need to ensure clear inheritance of land, wealth, and power, which monogamous relationships facilitated within male-dominated hierarchies. As European powers expanded, they encountered Indigenous societies that often lacked these rigid structures, prioritizing community, shared resources, and more fluid relational practices. To impose their control, colonizers introduced monogamy alongside other hierarchical systems, embedding European cultural norms into the fabric of colonized societies.

Christian missionaries played a crucial role in this process by spreading the idea that monogamy was the only morally acceptable form of intimate relationship. They actively worked to convert Indigenous peoples and pressured colonial governments to pass laws that outlawed plural marriages and other non-monogamous practices. These laws were enforced to dismantle existing social structures that conflicted with European norms, and land ownership and rights often became directly tied to compliance with these new legal frameworks. By criminalizing plural marriages, colonizers weakened Indigenous communities and disrupted social cohesion, making monogamy a practical necessity for survival. This legal enforcement not only reinforced gender hierarchies but also solidified the colonizers' control over both land and people, embedding colonial values deeply into the societal structures of the colonized world.

Why include a white person in a decolonizing project?

Everyone, regardless of race, should engage in decolonizing work, with a particular responsibility on white Europeans and settlers, as their ancestors played a significant role in colonization. Just as white people should lead in dismantling white supremacy, they should also take the lead in educating their communities about the violence and lasting impacts of European colonialism. The burden of this work should not fall on BIPOC communities.

However, it's important to recognize that colonialism didn't only harm people of color. Western Europeans themselves were first subjected to the brutality of various empires, like the Romans, and the oppressive forces of Christian domination that erased pagan traditions and oppressed women. While colonialism is a complex issue with many causes, if I had to identify a root cause of many of our societal issues, it wouldn't simply be white people. Instead, I would trace these problems back to the agricultural revolution, which introduced patriarchy, colonialism, private property, hierarchy, compulsory monogamy, class divisions, monotheism, animal domestication, ecological damage, and more.

Are you anti-monogamy? Must you be polyamorous to decolonize?

We see monogamy as one relationship orientation in a spectrum that includes soloamory, ambiamory, and polyamory. Monogamy is a natural and valid relationship orientation, no better or worse than polyamory.

The problem arises with enforced monogamy, also known as compulsory monogamy. We live in most of the world in compulsory monogamy cultures, where other relationship orientations are oppressed. We believe people should be brought up knowing there are other valid options besides monogamy. We think that if people had this knowledge, many might choose alternatives to monogamy. 

However, even if someone consciously knows they’re polyamorous and still decides to be in a closed relationship forever with a monogamist, that’s their choice. Our aim isn’t to force everyone to pick their natural orientation, but rather to create a space for people to discover their authentic selves and make informed choices in true freedom and support.